Give me the support I need and watch me thrive

Mair Elliott

Mair Elliott

Nineteen year old Mair Elliott gave a passionate speech at our recent conference on ‘Improving Mental Health in Children with Autism, ADHD and Learning Disabilities‘.

Mair was diagnosed with autism aged 15 after experiencing severe mental health problems. At the conference she shared her experiences:

“Truth be told when I was asked to speak to you today, I was a bit intimidated. I don’t have a fancy doctorate, I don’t even have a degree and I haven’t been doing any experiments in my lab. I am not in charge of any services, I don’t represent any particular organisation standing in front of you here today.

But what I do have is an Autism diagnosis, and I have diagnoses of Depression, Anxiety, Anorexia Nervosa, and Psychosis. We could argue that maybe I am the most qualified to talk at a conference about neuro-disability and mental health.

I started to feel different at 6 years old. I realised I could see the world in a different way to my peers, I noticed that my fellow classmates could communicate in a way that I couldn’t understand. This left me with an uncomfortable exposed feeling, and even at six years old I knew that being different made me vulnerable, which led to me deciding to learn to be ‘normal’, whatever that is. I suppose in true Autism form I decided to do this without including or informing anyone how I felt or what I was doing.

I learned by watching other children, observing their body language, facial expression, hand gestures, tone of voice. And then I copied, as I grew up I become more able to be intelligent in the way I did this, I could test hypotheses, I could notice patterns, I could create flow charts and diagrams in my mind to navigate socialising. It worked well and I went along in life with no one catching on and realising I was different.  Even though that was what I was aiming for at the time, it also had some side effects. I grew up thinking I was a failure, I grew up thinking that my true self was a disgrace, something which should be hidden away.

It was when I reached 14 years old that the cracks began to appear. I started to feel quite low, and got unusually anxious over certain things. I actually brushed it off thinking it was just teenage angst, I ignored what was going on in the hope it would just go away. But when I went into year 10, the beginning of GCSEs, things went downhill rather quickly.

It reached a point where I was in the depths of depression, I felt as though I was sinking beneath an ocean desperately trying to breathe and the weight of water pushing me down. The anxiety I had was never-ending, constantly in a state of red alert. Having anxiety is a bit like when you’re home alone and suddenly you hear noise coming from somewhere else in the house, your thoughts start racing, you can hear your heart pumping faster and faster, a lump of fear and dread weighs down our ribcage and freezes your airways. For someone with Anxiety, that feeling never stops.

My appetite diminished and my ability to complete even simple tasks faded away.  I couldn’t sleep because my brain wouldn’t switch of. The only relief I could find came from self-harm. Self-harm acted as a conversion from emotional pain into manageable physical pain. All of this added upon the utter confusion and disorientation I had over how I was feeling and what was going on in my head.

The school noticed very quickly that I needed specialist help and referred me to a primary mental health nurse. I think I saw the primary nurse twice before he then decided I needed more specialist help again.

I started seeing a psychiatrist every couple of weeks in specialist CAMHS. I was very very lucky that I wasn’t put on a waiting list, to this day I am unsure why or how I managed to bypass the waiting lists. I wish I could share that secret with you, but I have no idea what it is. I was diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety to begin with. But my psychiatrist noticed that there was something underlying and pursued an Autism assessment. I was very lucky to be able to jump the waiting list for that as well, because in my local area the waiting list was something like 7 years long. I was diagnosed with Autism when I was 15 years old.

Getting a diagnosis explained to me why I had felt so different. It helped me to realise that I was not a failure, and it helped to explain why I found this world so overwhelming. Getting a diagnosis was the very first step in my journey to self-awareness. But by then mental illness had a firm grasp on my life.

I was put on a variety of medications, none of which had the desired effect, I had a course of CBT which although helped somewhat it wasn’t nearly as impactful as was required. Over a year I continued the descent, it got the point that I was having panic attacks daily in school and full on out of control meltdowns in the middle of the school corridors. I spent many evenings sat in A+E because I had self-harmed or was very suicidal. I started getting hallucinations, I heard voices which shouted derogatory comments at me, and I saw people who I believed were going to hurt me or my family. I had no control, and was detaching from reality.

It was decided that community CAMHS couldn’t support me, and I was hospitalised. I was actually in a psychiatric unit across the river from here in the Maudsley, which is actually about 5 hours from my house. I spent 3 and half months there before being transferred to a unit slightly closer to home, where I spent about 3 weeks.

Community CAMHS didn’t react in the best way to my discharge and I didn’t actually see anyone for at least 6-8 weeks after being discharged.  I relapsed over the next 6 to 8 months and became engulfed in the bitter and cold world of Anorexia Nervosa. I was almost to the point of being put back in hospital, until one day I had an epiphany style moment when I collapsed on my bathroom floor. I realised that I didn’t want to live my life jumping from hospital to hospital, I didn’t need to surrender myself to illnesses which made my life hell, I didn’t need to be in pain.

From that point onwards I pushed and fought for the things that I knew would help me, like Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, Family therapy, no medication.  I worked hard to break free from the illnesses which ruled my life. Two years on and I can stand in front of you to tell you my tale.

We all are probably aware of the downfalls associated with CAMHS. Long waiting times, lack of access to the right treatments, overuse of medications, lack of family involvement, lack of local inpatient facilities, changing staff, lack of communication between different services, poor resources and funding, etc. I have experienced pretty much all of those things, and felt the impact these issues can have on someone already suffering. Effects like distrust and inability to build therapeutic relationships with practitioners, not being able to feel safe or comfortable in the environment, disjointed support and having to repeat my story over and over, having to go hundreds of miles from my home for appropriate care, my family being treated like a problem rather than part of the solution.

Living with a disability is hard, living with mental Illness is hard, getting help should be easy.

I want to bring up at least one positive point about CAMHS and that is how hard the staff work despite not having the resources necessary to do everything that is asked of them. It’s easy to place blame on individuals when nothing seems to be going right. I know how hard community and hospital CAMHS staff have worked to look after me over the years.

The truth is some things in this world are going to be more difficult for me, I will probably always walk the tightrope above the chasm of mental illness. I do need extra help with some things in life compared to other people. My autism brain is not fully compatible with a neuro-typical world. To deny all of this would be foolish, and I would be setting myself up to be disappointed. But give me the right conditions, teach me the right things, give me the right kind of help, watch me thrive.

I am 19 years old and so far I have contributed to Welsh Government’s enquiry into children’s mental health services in Wales, which lead to an extra 7.6 million being ring fenced for the service each year, I have done 2 current affairs programmes which aired on Welsh national television, one of which won a BAFTA Award and is shortlisted for the Celtic film festival.  I have spoken at conferences, seminars and events of all shapes and sizes, I have spoken about young people’s mental health in the Welsh press on many occasions. I have co-written a report on the wellbeing of children and young people in Wales which has been widely endorsed, including by Welsh Government. I am a trustee of a Wales wide charity which supports over a 1000 people with serious mental illness and their families. Cardiff University’s National Centre for Mental health and I was commissioned to undertake a research project in my county looking into the experience of young people with Autism in secondary schools.

I recently visited my old school, where I went through a lot of the dark times over the past years. Seeing that place again, walking the corridors and speaking to the people made me realise how far I have come. I could be modest and say that it was nothing, any one could have done what I have done, but actually, I worked hard to be where I am today. I kept taking steps forward when all I wanted to do was give up. I fought for myself and for all of the other young people in Wales in similar situations, I have opened up to thousands of people about my diagnoses, I have faced stigma, misconceptions, stereotypes and ignorance. I have faced things most of my peers couldn’t even imagine, yet I have achieved more before the age 20 than some people do in a lifetime.

I am not ashamed to have Autism, I am not ashamed to have mental health problems.

My Autism makes me a driven, hard-working, passionate person. It means I have high standards and will complete any task that is asked of me at the highest quality I can possibly manage. It makes me organised, honest and authentic.

Having been through mental illness has taught me to appreciate the little things, like eating a bowl of cereal in the morning, the sound of the wind through the trees, and the ability to smile and be happy.

I no longer see my differences as a failure on my behalf, I see them as a blessing.

Don’t lose hope when you feel that life is throwing too many obstacles in your face, don’t lose hope for your sons, daughters, siblings, parents, friends, clients – when the right conditions are eventually found it will all have been worth it.

Thank you for listening”.

You can watch the video of Mair’s presentation here.

Mair has written several articles for us – “Being a woman with Autism“, “Autism and Mental Illness” and “Puberty and my Autism Diagnosis“.

Update on Tommy Lee and his Horse Riding Helmet

Tommy Lee wearing his helmet

Tommy Lee wearing his helmet

Back in February we told the story of Tommy Lee and his horse riding helmet which was designed by the Cerebra Innovation Centre (CIC).

Tommy Lee’s family challenged the team at the Innovation Centre to design and create a helmet so that Tommy Lee could fulfil his dream to go horse riding with his friends. Due to having a unique shaped head, standard helmets would not fit Tommy Lee. The team managed to create a helmet for Tommy Lee and now there is no stopping him!

We recently received this lovely feedback from Tommy Lee’s teacher which shows that Tommy Lee is getting plenty of use out of his new helmet!

“Tommy Lee would like to show you that he is using his helmet to learn to ride a bike as well as for horse riding – something he previously couldn’t join in with. We have now got him a trike. He is always smiling these days! Thank you for the helmet again and best wishes with all your good work in the future.”
Karin May – Tommy Lee’s teacher.

If you have a unique challenge for the Cerebra Innovation, the team want to hear from you! Email cic@cerebra.org.uk or call 01792 483 688.

Emotional Support Website

IMG_6477Joanna Griffin is a Chartered Counselling Psychologist who also has her own child with a disability. She runs a website, Affinity Hub which aims to provide emotional support to parents and carers of children with special needs.

“Having a disabled child often means having to deal with additional associated challenges in practical, physical and emotional terms. My own journey into the world of special needs started when my eldest son was born.  Unfortunately due to mis-management, poor communication and a blocked theatre when he was delivered he was in a very poor condition and it took 23 minutes to resuscitate him. We were told that he may not smile, walk or talk.

Nine years on he does smile, walk and talk but has many difficulties and different diagnoses caused by the deprivation of oxygen at the time of birth.

Coming to terms with his diagnoses and difficulties has been a long, often painful, road.  New challenges have presented themselves along the way and I’ve been struck by what a difference it can make dealing with an understanding and empathic professional, or speaking to a parent who has experienced similar difficulties, particularly to my emotional wellbeing.

From my own personal experience I felt that parent-carers sometimes needed specific emotional support in order to help process their experiences and feelings. This was supported by my previous professional experience, as a Home and School Visitor at Hemihelp, as well as a pilot research study I undertook about other parents’ experiences and emotions.  The survey found that 100% of parents reported feeling stressed or anxious about their disabled child.  This correlates well with Cerebra’s study into stress in families which led to the excellent booklet ‘Managing Stress for Carers and Families’. In my study parents also reported feeling anger (66%) about their child’s disability and 60% felt depressed or down.  There were also feelings of helplessness (52%), guilt (50%) and denial (22%).

Exactly half of respondents reported a negative impact of having a disabled child on their own life, although many indicated that this could change depending on the time and day and they were only given the option to respond as either positive or negative.  Over 70% felt there had been a negative impact on siblings and nearly 80% on their relationship with their partner.

P1040210On a positive note, many parents reported feelings of pride (74%) and an inner strength or resilience (60%) that helped them get through their experiences.  Half of the respondents also reported having a ‘fighting spirit’ (52%) to advocate on behalf of their child.

Psychologists talk about post-traumatic growth and for 80% of respondents it had helped them put life into perspective, grow as a person (70%) and become more tolerant (65%). Many reported increased confidence in their ability to support their child, as they become the expert and, at times, counter the views of certain professionals.

I believe that if parents of a disabled child seek counselling they require someone with specific experience and knowledge to be aware of the many different factors that can have an affect on a parent-carer.  This may include: attending numerous appointments, fighting for services and limited resources, needing to ‘grieve’ for the healthy or idealised child one expected to have, lack of sleep, financial concerns, pressures on relationships, worries for the future, the trauma of seeing your child nearly die or undergo invasive procedures and concern for the impact on siblings. These are all difficult things to experience, process and accept alongside the day-to-day looking after a child and remembering that your disabled child is just a child who needs to play, be loved and hugged and learn about the world as any other child does.

Unfortunately trying to find organisations or professionals that can offer emotional support and understand the complex issues connected with having a disabled child, can sometimes be difficult.

In response I have developed a website of emotional support for parents of children with special needs.  The website, Affinity Hub, aims to provide a virtual home for parents to realise that they are not alone. There are many other families also going through similar experiences and feeling similar complex emotions. Hopefully by reading about this it can reduce isolation.

The Professional Support section lists organisations that provide emotional support as well as private counsellors, psychotherapists and psychologists that have experience of supporting this specific client group. I am in the process of identifying practitioners across the UK.

The website not only lists many common emotions parents might experience, it also includes quotes from other parents about their experiences and what advice they would give to other parents. There is also a growing list of books and reference material that parents have found helpful.

Although much of this information is available online if a parent were to search for it I hope that by bringing it all under one umbrella it will help parents and reduce the time (very precious to us parents) they have to spend looking.

Please share your views by completing the survey on your experiences as a parent of child with special needs on the home page at www.affinityhub.uk.”

Why we’re Sleep Walking for Cerebra

Tracy Elliott

Tracy Elliott

Tracy Elliott, Head of Research at Cerebra, explains why she and her family are taking part in our Sleep Walk on 23rd July.

“Sleep, or lack of, is an issue most new parents face. We were no exception. Only our daughter, unknown to us at the time, had an Autistic Spectrum Disorder. We spent many hours walking up and down our hallway in the middle of the night trying to get our beautiful new daughter to sleep – nothing worked. We sought help, standard sleep management techniques did not work. Sleep deprivation continued.

Now as Head of Research for Cerebra I’m pleased to support research into sleep disorders. We know sleep disorders are common, different in nature and problematic for children and families living with Autism, intellectual disability, Angleman or Smith-Magenis syndromes. Cerebra funded research will help everyone understand why these problems occur and what can be done to help.

Mair Elliott

Mair Elliott

Nineteen years on we are walking up Pen Y Fan at night to replicate our early night walking experience and to raise awareness of, and money for, this important sleep research”.

Tracy, Geoff and Mair Elliott

You can help Tracy Elliott raise money for this great cause by donating directly to her fundraising page.

Research into Sleep Disorders is being carried out by the Cerebra Centre for Neurodevelopmental Disorders at Birmingham University.

Books on ABI in the Library

As part of Action for Brain Injury Week, we take a look at the books in our library on ABI.

  • L1260 Traumatic Brain Injury Rehabilitation: children and adolescents by Mark Ylvisaker
  • L6274 Head Injury the Facts by Headway
  • L6358 Unthinkable: a mother’s tragedy terror and triumph through a child’s traumatic brain injury by Dixie Fremont-Smith Coskie
  • L6396 Stroke in Childhood: clinical guidelines for diagnosis management and rehabilitation by the Paediatric Stoke Working Group
  • L6432 Living with an Acquired Brain Injury: a practical life skills workshop by Nicholas Hedley
  • L6433 Cognitive Rehabilitation Therapy for Traumatic Brain Injury: evaluating the evidence by Rebecca Koehler
  • L6442 Traumatic Head Injury in Children by Sarah H Broman
  • L6542 Educating Children with Acquired Brain Injury by Sue Walker
  • L6543 Hold My Hand: a mother’s journey by Glenys Carl
  • L6622 Battling Brain Injury: the life that Jack built by Jack Martindale
  • L6648 Missing Pieces: mending the head injury family by Marilyn Colter

Children’s books

  • C0121 Sam and the Green Velvet Monkey by Judith Middleton
  • C0138 A Hit on the Head and Where it Led by Jennifer Cooper Trent

DVD

  • AV6395  Brain Injury a Look Inside by Richard C Senelick

All of these materials are available to borrow free of charge from our Postal Lending Library. If you would like to request an item or join the library, please contact our Librarian Jan at janetp@cerebra.org.uk or 0800 3281159.

Action for Brain Injury Week 2016

Cerebra are supporting Headway’s Action for Brain Injury Week which is taking place from 19th – 15th May 2016 and this year’s campaign is asking you to be #ConcussionAware.

This year, Headway is aiming to ensure that everyone is able to enjoy sports, whilst protecting themselves from the risks of concussion.

They have created this great video encouraging you to be #ConcussionAware:

Cerebra supports families of children living with a brain condition, including acquired brain injury. We are able to provide advice and information as well as practical help and support. We also fund research at leading universities into the prevention of brain injury.

We will be posting information and advice on social media throughout the week and you can follow the latest with the hashtag #ABIWeek.

Sleep Practitioner Shares Premature Birth Experience

Sarah with Theo

Sarah with Theo

Sarah Coldrey, Cerebra’s Sleep Practitioner for the South West, has just returned to work after taking a year’s maternity leave to look after her new baby, Theo. Theo was born at just 29 weeks gestation but is now coming on in leaps and bounds. Sarah told us about her experience:

“I was rather shocked when my waters broke at 28 weeks. I was sent to Derriford Hospital in Plymouth, where one week later I gave birth to my son Theo James Coldrey at 29 weeks gestation. He weighed 2lb 14oz.

Theo was immediately taken to neonatal intensive care and was supported with oxygen, kept in an incubator and tube fed with expressed breast milk.

He remained in the incubator and on oxygen for 5 weeks. Theo was then transferred to Torbay hospital where he was able to go into a normal cot, no longer needed help with his breathing and began to transition to breast feeding. We stayed in Torbay hospital for 3 weeks.

Theo now

Theo now

Theo and I were able to go home after 8 weeks. He would have been 37weeks gestation at this point, but was actually already 2 months old.

Theo will be turning 1 this weekend (8th May)  and is gradually catching up with his peers. He is a happy, inquisitive boy who definitely know what he wants.  I admit that I am happy to be back at work part time!”

Sarah is Cerebra’s Sleep Practitioner for the south west. We have a team of sleep practitioners covering the UK who can offer help and advice on sleep issues, including settling problems, difficulty sleeping alone and early rising. You can find out more about our sleep service here or contact us on 01267 244210 or sleep@cerebra.org.uk.

 

 

Theo in an incubator

Theo in an incubator

Preventing premature births is a cause close to Cerebra’s heart. We fund research at Leeds University into understanding premature birth and predicting mums at risk of early delivery. Our aim is to prevent it from happening, so that fewer babies need neonatal intensive care and do not suffer the complications of being born too early. Over the period of Cerebra’s funding this work has led to a fall in premature birth rates with almost 350 fewer babies each year being born too soon. You can read more and watch a short film here.

 

Will You be Part of Our 50 Schools Challenge?

_MG_6630With more than 500,000 children in the UK living with a brain condition, the chances are that we all know someone whose life is affected by autism, ADHD, cerebral palsy, Down’s syndrome or one of many other conditions.

This September we’re asking for your help to give families the support that they need. We’re looking for 50 schools to join in our fundraising challenge and raise money to help support children with a brain condition.

What will your school do?

Dress down days, cake sales, sponsored events, theme days… The choice is yours!

Win a trip to the House of Lords!

Representatives from the school which raises the most money will be invited to join as at our prestigious Charity Reception at the House of Lords on 26th October. Could it be your school?

To sign up to our challenge contact us at give@cerebra.org.uk or 01267 244216.

Cerebra is a charity giving families who have a child with a brain condition the chance to find a better life together. For every challenge, there’s an answer out there. Let’s discover it together.

Sign up to our challenge today!

Staff at Shaping Futures Day Nursery during their dress up day

Staff at Shaping Futures Day Nursery during their dress up day

The first school to join our 50 Schools Challenge is Shaping Futures Day Nursery who held a dressing up day to raise money for us.

Will you be the next school to join the challenge?

University of Leeds Launches Disability law Hub

The University of Leeds is set to be a leader in the field of disability law with the launch of a Disability Law
Hub.

With more than one billion disabled people worldwide facing possible discrimination and exclusion, the
new hub will be dedicated to research on disability law, as well as offering a wide range of teaching
expertise at undergraduate, Masters and doctoral levels.

Specialist areas include mental health and capacity law, disability equality law, care law, international disability rights law, disabled victims of crime, and the relationship between disability and areas of law such as contracts, torts and intellectual property.

Forming one of the largest groups of disability law scholars in the world, the hub will be headed by
Professor Anna Lawson and will comprise nine legal academics and several PhD researchers.

At the launch event at the university on 15 April, Professor Anna Lawson, who is herself blind, said: “I
studied law at the University of Leeds in the 1980s because it was the only university that offered a
transcription service for blind students. Thirty years later, I am proud that my alma mater has taken a
leadership role in recognising disability law as an important area of legal research and scholarship and very
excited about working with my wonderful colleagues in this area.”

Professor Sir Alan Langlands, Vice-Chancellor of the University of Leeds, said the new hub builds on a
strong track record in disability studies at the university. He said: “For many decades the University’s
Centre for Disability Studies has challenged socially-created barriers that limit the life chances of disabled
people. The new Disability Law Hub houses the country’s leading group of legal experts in this cutting edge
field”

Two new Professors of Law and Social Justice have recently joined the School of Law and become members
of the hub. Luke Clements is an expert on social care law whose Chair is endowed by the charity Cerebra.
He is a practicing solicitor who has taken many of the landmark discrimination cases to the European Court
of Human Rights.

Oliver Lewis joins the School of Law while retaining his position as Executive Director of
an international human rights charity, the Mental Disability Advocacy Centre. He has worked in some 20
countries in Europe and Africa on strategic litigation and advocacy which advances equality, inclusion and
justice for people with mental health issues and learning disabilities.

Cord Cohn Low, Chair of the School of Law’s Advisory Board has said “When I taught law at the University
of Leeds in the 1970s and early 1980s I did not imagine that the School of Law would one day establish a
Disability Law Hub. I am delighted that its scholars have a range and depth of expertise that will be
invaluable in closing the gap between the rhetoric of human rights and the lived experiences of disabled
people around the world.”

Professor Alastair Mullis, Head of the School of Law, added: “I am immensely proud that the new
Disability Law Hub will offer undergraduate and postgraduate students an opportunity to engage with
legal theory and practice so as to improve access to justice for disabled people, who have languished on
the edges of the margins of law for tar too long.”

Cerebra is happy to share this press release which was issued by the University of Leeds.

You can find our more about the Law Hub here.

 

Carmarthen Business Supports Poppy’s Dream

Ron handing over the bike to Rob

Ron handing over the bike to Rob

Cerebra is making Poppy’s dream come true – with the help of Carmarthen based businessman Ron Mounsey and his daughter Pippa.

On 26th June 2016 ten year old Poppy Jones and her dad Rob will take part in the Cardiff Triathlon together to raise money for Cerebra. But they will face an additional challenge – ten year old Poppy has cerebral palsy and Rob will be pushing/pulling her around the course using custom made equipment specially designed by the charity’s design team.

Dad Rob is facing a real challenge in preparing for the event. He’s never taken part in a triathlon before and isn’t a regular swimmer, runner or cyclist. A few months ago he could only manage two lengths of the local swimming pool, didn’t own a pair of running shoes and is using his ancient bicycle to train.

On hearing of Rob’s predicament Carmarthen businessman Ron Mounsey and his daughter Pippa kindly offered to donate a bicycle so that the pair could complete their challenge. They presented the bicycle to Rob at the McDonald’s restaurant in Carmarthen on 22nd April.

Cerebra’s Innovation Centre, a partnership project with the University of Wales Trinity St David, are designing and building the custom-made equipment that Rob and Poppy will need to take them to the finish line: a boat that can be pulled for the swim and a chair that can be pushed for the running element and attached to the bicycle for the cycling phase. Now that they have a suitable bicycle the Innovation team can complete their work and the exciting designs will be unveiled soon.

Ten year old Poppy was born with quadriplegic cerebral palsy and chronic lung disease. She can’t sit, stand, roll or support herself and life is a daily challenge for her. She has suffered many health problems over the years and there have been times when doctors didn’t think she would pull through.

Dad Rob explains, “there have been times when it has been very touch and go and we feel very lucky that she has been with us for the last 10 years”. But having a life-limiting condition doesn’t stop Poppy having fun. Poppy is a determined character with a great sense of humour. Her sense of adventure knows no bounds. She is a real thrill seeker and adrenaline junkie and has a true competitive spirit. Rob explains, “Poppy doesn’t think ‘I can’t’ but rather ‘with a little help I can’. I’ve got my work cut out though as Poppy doesn’t want to just take part – she wants to win!”

Cerebra, Rob and Poppy are also grateful to Beiciau Hobbs in Carmarthen for donating a cycle helmet.

If you would like to support Rob and Poppy please visit www.justgiving.com/Rob-Jones42. Or if you would like to sponsor the project in any way please get in touch with us on 01267 244221.

You can follow their story on social media #Poppysdream.